The Slizzlesplotch

In a deep, brooding darkness, the Slizzlesplotch tears itself into our plane of existence.  This foul creature, for one could not call it a beast or anything of this natural world, followed the sounds of suffering and the smell of death and hungered for its source.  All it knew was the all-consuming hunger.  Though shrouded in black shadow, it was aware and could sense its prey lurking nearby.  It profusely salivated, or whatever its unnatural equivalent would be, in anticipation of the kill.

Outside the foreboding cave, five young men sat around an inviting campfire watching their noontime meal of venison roasting in the embers.  They were Paul, Alto, Nick, Tommy, and Stephen; a group of bright-eyed hopefuls learning their place in the world.  They were blissfully unaware of the encroaching evil.  It traveled soundlessly through the gloom for it had no feet to scuffle on the ground or with which to kick up rocks; it simply existed through the pitch darkness.

Soon it could see them - no, not see them, for it had no eyes, but feel them.  Its ravenous hunger could not be contained; it must be satiated.  It would spew a vile, unholy acid that would boil their flesh from the bones.  It would drink deeply from their souls as their cries quickly strangled into gurgles from their ravaged vocal cords.  Excitement enthralled the demon, and it lurched forward with stunning speed only to find itself slam against an invisible force barring it from passing through the cave's mouth.  It screeched in fury and reared itself back with all of its strength.  The lads were suddenly alert, for they were not simple travelers but great guardians of this place.  They were sworn to protect the sacred lands of Rogin from all evil that forced itself through this ancient pit of blasphemous darkness.

The warning was barely enough, for the men, despite their litheness, only just managed to leap out of the way as the Slizzlesplotch's amorphous shape came hurdling through the barrier. In its rage and hysteric exuberance it leaped too fiercely and too far and came crashing into the serene waters of Lake Liteot waiting below.  It was defeated, for it could not hold itself together in the holy waters as bits of it globular shape sank to the bottom and floated at the top.  The warriors stood at ready and reached towards the heavens, uttering the sacred words of banishment.  Angelic hands reached from the sky and pointed to the lake as its waters began to swirl and a great vortex banished the eldritch creature into the nether.  The world of Rogin was safe once more.

The Deluge Episode 3: Revenge of the Shits

So, McDonald's wasn't done with me for a third day.  I spent the entire day doing my shit-farts for 15 minutes at a time in the restroom.  Also, my bowels pleasantly added the burning sensation to the experience for me!  How wonderful!

So, my poor anus was heavily brutalized.  It felt like some giant, burly man with tattoos on his arms savagely sodomized me over and over again with a rolled up sheet of sandpaper.  The slightest breeze passing out would cause me to cry for my mother.  It was dry like the Sahara and was swollen shut.  I had to put Vaseline on my finger and well...you can guess the rest of this story.

This morning though, on the way to work I was hit with the need to squeeze out some Hershey's.  So, what did I do?  I went straight to the McDonald's and gave it a taste of my home-brewed medicine.  Little do I know, they're pumping that straight back into the special sauce that drenches the steak, egg, and diarrhea bagel.  Thus, it all comes full cycle as it lands into an unsuspecting, curious individual's hands as he passes through the drive-through.

The Deluge Continued

God said he would not destroy the world with flood water again.  God is merciful.  McDonald's steak, egg, and cheese bagel is not.

Yesterday was quite the day.  Once again my bowels weren't done with me.  I found myself sitting upon my throne unleashing a horrible plague upon this world, but the truth is that this was barely the beginning of the story.

After my Wing Chun class, I headed over to my friend's place in order to meet up for the Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse.  Evidently the apocalypse is centered around a lot of waiting.  We managed to get through, but we didn't leave until 3:00am.  Bringing some of my friends home, we decided to stop off at the local Steak n Shake.  It was night and I didn't want to eat too much, but all my efforts to reduce my eating were defeated as the waitress as she gave me fries I didn't ask for and an extra large shake instead of a small one.  If you put something in front of me, I will eat it.

During our dining experience, I supplied our conversations with ample amounts of flatuation.  Perfectly normal, right?  Well as we're getting up to leave, I had one last coup de grâce for Steak n Shake.  This was a mistake.  The dam broke and flooded my crevasse.  I noticed the release felt a little strange, but knowing full well what defecating in your pants feels like, I thought I was in the clear.  As I was paying though, I could feel agricultural runoff gently filling up between my cheeks.  Casually walking over to the restroom, I discovered that every fart I made from that epic blast onward would result in a shotgun blast of fecal buckshot.  Thank goodness for my massive, powerful glutes; I was able to contain the blast.  This morning the problem still persisted, but I think it is now all quiet on the southern front.  What a day!

The Deluge

This morning I was hit with an epiphany.  Not one of moral or spiritual implications, but one of dire bestial need.

It all started with a failed attempt to wake myself early in the morning.  I thought I would prepare some eggs and toast as I had run out of milk for my cereal the previous day.  However, sleep became more appealing and that extra 15 minutes was worth it to me at the time.  So, I made the only logical choice of McDonald's breakfast.

I'm usually fairly prudent when deciding breakfast choices at locations such at this, but this time I felt a sense of daring.  I decided that the steak, egg, and cheese bagel was the right choice for me!  Regret doesn't begin to describe how I feel.  It began when I first noticed the strange gravy-like substance that was lathered all over this monstrosity.  It seemed to have a slight neon glow to it.  I tried to wipe as much off as I could as I would not let my money go to waste.  What proceeded was The Deluge.

It then rained for 40 days and 40 nights.  By that I mean I was in the privy for a good half an hour as flood waters flowed from the deepest recesses of my abdomen.  Perhaps this was also due to the delicious curry I had the night before, but the sight and feel of that foul beast I consumed definitely played its role.  A deep brown river, not unlike the one that runs through Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, has been spawned from my bowels. I will not eat that again.